Free Markets, Free People

Stupidest Thing I Heard Today

Henceforth to be titled “STIHT”.

Almost every day I’m confronted with beyond-ridiculous statements that turn me sideways. I literally cringe when I hear/read them. A little monologue automatically goes off in my head (OK, and out loud once in awhile as well) that serves — for my purposes — to make the bad thing stop. Because the stupidity has become relentless, I feel the need to rant publicly. Hence STIHT.

So, as I’m finishing my day, leisurely pondering the conclusion of the TV show I was watching, that nasally, self-indulgent voice of Sex In The City’s primary protagonist wistfully bleats “Someone once said that two halves make a whole.” Let me tell you: the sinews, tendons and synapses controlling my fingers’ hasty dispatch of power to the source of such inanity were so swift as to make Mercury look like Kurt Rambis. My sanity was saved with a flick of the wrist.

Why? Well, allow me to rant.

No one, in the history of all intellectual life, has ever said “two halves make a whole”. Sure, someone has actually said those words. But I can assure you that, apart from the confines of the writer’s room for Sex In The City, no one who said them was met with anything less than a Potsie-perfect “Duh.”

Because the profound thing about the statement, to the extent there is anything, is not that two halves make a whole, but instead that a “whole” can be split into two halves. That wisdom has been known since at least the time of Ur, and probably for quite a bit before that.

Put simply, there is nothing remotely profound in the statement that “two halves make a whole” since the only revelatory thing of the entire statement is the complete converse — i.e. that a whole can be split into two equal parts called “halves.” That “someone once said” such an unenlightening statement may in fact be true, but it doesn’t prove anything apart from the utter vacuity of the person proposing such statement to have meaning at all.

Now for the anticipated FAQ’s:

“So what’s the point of your rant?”

Stupid things piss me off. Writing about their stupidity seems better than punching holes in walls (yeah, you’ve been there).

“But why do I care?”

Why would I know? Or care?

“I mean, why should I bother reading your rants?”

Don’t bother. I write them to keep down on my drywall and putty expenses (OK, and for entertainment purposes). Consider it like a reality show — public therapy.

“But would Snooki approve?”

No. Punching walls is mandatory in her world.

“Are there midgets involved?”

Oh, just wait until my next rant. I mean, they’re not even real people.

“Is Daniel Tosh funnier than you?” (See last link)

Who are you! Tell me your name! Who sent you! I have RIGHT to know who you are!

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10 Responses to Stupidest Thing I Heard Today

  • Wow Michael.  Chill out.  Here is one reason you might reconsider posting your rants to QandO:
    I have heard you share your opinions with Dale and Bruce on the podcast.  I have thought your insights and observations were eloquent and thoughtful.   An energetic rant on the trivial topic of moronic statements people make,  just makes you appear small minded.  It diminishes you and the trustworthiness of your critiques delivered on the podcast.
    You disappoint.

  • You say “STIHT”

    For me it is “YGBSM!” – You Gotta Be Shitting Me!

  • D00d, switch to decaf tea.

  • See, this whole deal is really about the ambiguity of language.
    What you heard was really, “Two halves make a hole“.  This was a very deep reference to the profoundly meaningful “holes” to which the Beatles referred in their revolutionary song “A Day In The Life”.
    Such nuggets of profundity are to be found in Sex In The City, laying around like shit in a pig pen.
    Which makes you WATCHING that crap…then writing about it…the  STIHT…!!!!

  • The better question here is… why were you watching Sex in the City in the first place?!?!?!

  • Ah, but I like philosophy!
    Who’s to say what a ‘whole’ is?  I mean two slices of bread make a whole sandwich (more if you’re doing a Dagwood) but each slice on it’s own is a whole.   Whole rooms don’t necessarily work up to a whole house, they can work up to a whole apartment building or a whole hotel.
    I didn’t see the episode, but given her airhead speech patterns, I can HEAR her saying that and I’m glad I missed the whole thing….
    There’s more, but like you said….heh…..I can understand where you’re coming from – I do it all the time.

  • If that’s the stupidest thing you’ve heard today, then I want your life, ’cause it’s a hell of a lot less moron-heavy than mine.

  • Bonus points for citing Daniel Tosh, Greg Kinnear’s cyber offspring.