Free Markets, Free People

Harvest time

“Hey, Bxlnar, I see you’re back from surveying that group of hairless bipeds just beginning their civilization. What was the name of their planet again?”

“XP-492-Sol3, but we just call it Earth.”

“So how did it go?”

“They’re interesting animals. Standard amino acid mix, using DNA as the genetic template.”

“Mmm. So they’re biocompatible. Did you take some samples for, heheh, analysis?”

“That’s the interesting part. They are the best long distance runners I’ve ever seen. They actually hunt by just following a prey animal until it gives up and dies. Their muscle tissue has a variety of myoprotein unlike anything I’ve ever encountered.”

“So, it is good?”

“It’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted. Have to baste it with some fat to get the perfect recipe, but it’s worth it. I’m salivating right now, just thinking about it.”

“Well, maybe we could farm them?”

“No, they look difficult or impossible to domesticate. Contrary as all get out. Their hunter-gatherer ancestry makes then intractable.”

“But if they are such a wonderful delicacy, surely there’s something we could do.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it. Maybe we should help them along a bit. Insert a few technological innovations to help them increase their population and start spreading out into new territory.”

“Won’t that just get them into wars against each other as population pressure builds up?”

“Yeah, but the standard culturogenetic analysis says they would learn how to get along in about 4000 years. By then they will have filled up the planet, assuming we seed additional innovations at critical points, including use of mechanical power and some manipulation of plant and animal biology to dramatically increase their food supply.”

“So when could we start harvesting?”

“Given the extra fat needed in the recipe to cook them, we need to wait until their technology and food supply have made them indolent. I think a good indicator for harvesting would be when there were more fat ones than skinny ones.”

“OK, I approve the project for it. Let me know when they’re ready.”

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12 Responses to Harvest time

  • Damn it the diet drink and no trans-fat plan didn’t work!
    Bxlnar and his cronies will be readying to harvest the, uh, is it humans? Yes?

    Contact our agent – uh, Bloombrag? Bumbort? What in Clxuks name is the damn thing called!
    Never mind! Never mind!
    Just contact it and have it tell the humans they can eat those chicken embryos and drink the bovine output again and still lose weight, maybe that will delay the inevitable a bit longer.

    Most of them are damn meat eaters anyway! We should probably just let Bxlnar have them all.

    Oh, wait a flinyur.
    See if you can get it to send us more of that bacon plant Blxnar’s techs had us taste test last mergul.

  • There’s got to be a redistributionist international tax scheme out there that will reverse this trend and save us from roasting on a spit!

  • So what happened to the most apocalyptic crisis facing mankind: overpopulation ?

    Keep in mind that President Obama’s science advisor co-wrote a book, Ecoscience, that called to totalitarian measures to fix the problem that has manifested itself upon us quite yet.
    He called for:

    • Women could be forced to abort their pregnancies, whether they wanted to or not;
    • The population at large could be sterilized by infertility drugs intentionally put into the nation’s drinking water or in food;
    • Single mothers and teen mothers should have their babies seized from them against their will and given away to other couples to raise;
    • People who “contribute to social deterioration” (i.e. undesirables) “can be required by law to exercise reproductive responsibility” — in other words, be compelled to have abortions or be sterilized.
    • A transnational “Planetary Regime” should assume control of the global economy and also dictate the most intimate details of Americans’ lives — using an armed international police force.

  • “Sir, the herd is rife with what they call ‘Mad Cow’ disease in their herd animals”.

    “Looks like we’re going to lose an entire crop”

  • “To Serve Man” coming to a book store near you.

    • “To ensure you receive your desserts, Republican Party leaders, please move to the head of the line.”
      “I repeat”
      “To ensure you receive your desserts, Republican Party leaders, please move to the head of the line.”

  • Most of the population now lives in some sort of statist regime so the domestication issue is largely solved.

  • I’ll finish off this thread by noting that the comments are better and funnier than my dashed-off post.

  • Harvest time
    Open all the hatches and bring all of the humans in
    Harvest time
    Sort them out by size and put them all in the proper pen
    Harvest time
    One last hunt for strays who have hidden because of fear
    Harvest time
    Yes we’re going to eat them, but we’re not going to eat them here….

    • Apologies to Semisonic, but it’s been running through my head since Billy made the post.