Some long shot predictions for 2008 Posted by: Billy Hollis
on Friday, December 28, 2007
Well, lots of others are in the prediction game this time of year, and some of them are venturing some pretty far-out predictions, so I decided to join them. I decided to look at the presidential candidates and venture some, ummm, long-shot predictions for each of them.
Early January - After his earlier hospitalization, Rudy Guiliani again becomes ill after a campaign event in Iowa. Investigation uncovers that Rudy has an allergy to Midwestern voters. A few weeks later, he has the same symptoms in South Carolina. The allergy is found to also apply to Southern voters. Despite Rudy’s assertions that he’ll just surround himself with New Yorkers to control the allergy, he loses big in the primaries and fails to gain the GOP nomination.
February - Campaigning continues to take its toll on Hillary Clinton. Eventually, the stress brings out her true inner self. You can see the transition in the following series of photos.
March - New allegations surface that Mitt Romney was the model for the 1970s version of the Ken doll. Mattel refuses to deny the rumors.
April - John Edwards and Mike Huckabee meet after both lose their respective party’s nominations. They discover that their politics are exactly the same, and consider launching a joint third party bid for the presidency. However, they decide against it after realizing that they would have to split their base voters with Cynthia McKinney, who has already declared.
May – After winning the Democratic nomination, Obama decides he needs to gain a more reliable and effective partner on the campaign trail. Therefore, he divorces his wife and marries Oprah.
May - John McCain loses in the primaries. As a consolation, he takes a role in the new Indiana Jones movie, as the brother of Walter Donnovan. He meets the same end as his brother. Here is the picture that convinced George Lucas to give him the role, next to a picture of Walter Donnovan from Indiana Jones and Last Crusade:
June - Ron Paul, having joined the ranks of evolution deniers, and having been generally friendly to 9/11 Truthers, decides to come out of the closet on his affinity for conspiracy theories and anti-intellectual movements. He decides on a third party bid, dropping the libertarian label and naming his party the AWPTCAMLDP (Anti-War Peaceniks, Truthers, Creationists, and Moon Landing Denialists Party). He takes over 20% of the vote.
November – Fred Thompson wins the presidency, after buying Spike TV, renaming it The Fred Channel, and showing nothing but Fred vehicles back-to-back, including Law and Order, Die Hard 2, The Hunt for Red October, Marie, and Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee (in which he plays President Grant). After the election, the clip of Fred in Hunt for Red October saying “This will get out of control, and we’ll be lucky to live through it” becomes the year’s most popular clip on YouTube.