On the economic front, the dollar continued to lose value against all major foreign currencies and most brands of bathroom tissue. There was a major collapse in the credit market, caused by the fact that for most of this decade, every other radio commercial has been some guy selling mortgages to people who clearly should not have mortgages. ("No credit? No job? On Death Row? No problem!") It got so bad that you couldn't let your dog run loose, because it would come home with a mortgage.

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As the debate over Iraq intensifies, the eyes of a worried nation turn to another trouble spot: New York City, where Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are locked in a bitter high-stakes battle to determine who is the bigger horse's ass. After meeting with both sides, a visibly shaken Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reports that Trump's hair "is exactly the same color as a Cheez-It." While the White House ponders its options, congressional Democrats vow to strongly oppose whatever action the president decides to take, while at the same time voting to fund it.

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In other aviation news, JetBlue has a public-relations disaster when 10 of its flights are stranded on runways for so long they are enveloped by glaciers