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Smug Alert
Posted by: Bryan Pick on Thursday, June 12, 2008

I just saw this video, called "I'm Voting Republican", promoted at Google Video:

I find myself responding to each little barb, all "stream of consciousness" like...

"We're voting Republican because we don't like shopping at small neighborhood stores." “We’re voting Democrat because, despite our professed desire to help the poor and elderly, we just plain don’t like big companies that sell affordable goods and employ the elderly.”
“We don’t want the problem of choosing where to shop.” “It’s unacceptable that so many people choose to shop there. Who do they think they are?”
“And we just love cheap plastic crap from China.” “You know what would be great for our budget and for the economy? Making things more expensive by cutting off trade with the rest of the world. When Obama told us not to fear people who look different than us, we’re sure he made an exemption for the Chinese.
And we’re pretty sure that civilization can get by without plastics.”
“I’m voting Republican because I don’t really want a cure for AIDS or breast cancer… they’re just gays and women.” “I’m voting Democrat because Republicans are clearly trying to kill women and gays. That’s why we don’t have a cure. I actually believe that.”
“I’m voting Republican because I believe new drugs should be made available immediately, whether they’ve been tested properly or not.” “I’m voting Democrat because I like the idea that an essentially unaccountable federal agency can dictate to a dying patient what risks he’s allowed to take. I’m all for sick people until they start trying to make their own decisions.”
“If the major pharmaceutical companies’ bottom lines are healthy, then I feel healthy too.” “If it takes a little longer to cure AIDS and breast cancer after we crush those companies, well…”
“I’m voting Republican so that my little Kaitlin can be in a classroom with at least 30 other children. That way, she can be challenged by fighting for attention.” “I’m voting Democrat because spending gobs of public money and lowering class sizes worked so well in Kansas City, I thought, “Why can’t Kaitlin graduate illiterate and innumerate?”
“I’m voting Republican because women just can’t be trusted to make decisions about their own bodies. Never, ever, ever.” “I’m voting Democrat because my idea of the right to make decisions about your own body is uterus-specific. If you want to make other decisions about your own body, like what you can eat or which drugs you can take, consult the appropriate government bureaucracy.”
“I’m voting Republican because I’ve already seen the great outdoors. Continuing the use of fossil fuels is much more important than conserving our natural wildlands.” “I’m voting Democrat because my natural reaction to unbearably high gas prices and our insidious dependence on foreign oil is to raise taxes on domestic oil companies while making sure there’s nowhere they can drill.
And keeping out nuclear power is much more important than lessening our dependence on fossil fuels. I guess there are limits to how far I’ll go to save the wildlands, after all.”
“We’re voting Republican because we like a conservative majority on the Supreme Court.”

“We really like the idea that even if we’re separate, we’ll still be called equal.”
“We’re voting Democrat because we like a liberal majority on the Supreme Court, like the one that gave us Kelo v. New London.”
“And not to dig up ancient history or anything, but we sometimes forget that the lone dissenter in Plessy v. Ferguson was a Republican. And about all those Democrats who supported segregation.”
“I’m voting Republican because I need to be told who I can love… I need the government to tell me.”
“I just need them to tell me how I can best show a lifetime commitment.”
“I’m voting Democrat because, unless the state gives their stamp of approval and the attendant privileges, our love and commitment are meaningless.”
“I’m voting Republican because corporations should not have to pay to clean up environmental damage. The EPA is an outmoded idea.” “I’m voting Democrat because… CORPORATIONS! They’re big and stuff!
… But why stop after the corporations? Now that we can get away with calling carbon dioxide a pollutant, we can tax breathing.”
“If people want clean water, buy it in a bottle.” “I can get behind a ban on bottled water.”
“I’m voting Republican because I don’t want to know if the food I’m eating has been genetically modified or exposed to radiation. I don’t want to have to live with that fear, y’know?” “I’m voting Democrat because I’m living in fear of non-existent health risks. And is it too much to ask that food to take up more land, come with more germs and parasites, and cost more?”
“I’m voting Republican because I really enjoy being screwed by the utility companies.” “I’m voting Democrat because I really enjoy being screwed by the government. Windfall taxes on energy producers and a virtual ban on nuclear power will surely lower the cost of utilities.”
“We need more minorities in prison.” “Because the Democrats are *this* close to ending the Drug War.”
“’Cuz hybrid cars really suck.” (Er, Republicans *did* try to ban hybrids, right?)
“’Cuz everyone should be, ahem, encouraged to drive hybrid cars. Whether we do it by taxes or heavy-handed regulation, pucker up buttercup.”
“I just don’t feel I deserve health insurance.” “I deserve to be punished if I don’t purchase health insurance, and others deserve to be punished if they don’t help me pay for it.”
“Texas needs more billionaires.” “I just plain don’t like other people having more money than I do.
Especially in Texas… I mean, what was so bad about 100 years of Democratic rule, that they became so solidly Republican afterward?”
“I’m voting Republican because sometimes the Constitution is just one big inconvenient headache.” “Copycat.”
“I think the whole world should be run by one big corporation. I think it’d be so much cozier.” “I think every American's life should be run by one big government. I think it’d be so much cozier.”

(Ooh, and everything else can be run by the UN!)
“Because all other countries are in fear to us.”
“And we should start as many wars as we need to keep it that way.”
“Screw it, let’s invade Myanmar. Sudan too, while we’re at it. And we'd be just as willing to go into Pakistan as any Republican...”
(Soldier) “So I can stay in Iraq.” (Soldier) “So we can abandon Iraq before this ‘success’ thing goes too far.”
(Child) “So I can go to Iran.” (Child) “So I can fight whatever war the Republicans won’t.”
“So if you were thinking about voting something besides Republican, don’t bother. Stay at home. We’ve got it all taken care of. You’ll get exactly what you deserve.” “Face it, our organization and web presence are light-years ahead of yours. You’re gonna get it good and hard come January.”

Yick. Sarcasm is annoying.
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